In a world where you can hire anyone…

hire kind.

I recently interviewed for a job. I said, “Look, I can do this job. And I’m sure many of the other candidates can. But what sets me apart is that I’m great to work with. I’m kind. I work hard. I get along with everyone.”

I got the job.

The science bears this out.

Per Forbes: “A study published in the Academy of Management Journal found when people are on the receiving end of rudeness at work, their performance suffers and they are less likely to help others. And a new study at Georgetown University found workplace incivility is rising and the effects are extensive, including reduced performance and collaboration, deteriorating customer experiences and increased turnover.”

Other studies show you don’t even need to be the target of rudeness. You just need to observe rudeness and performance will fall.

In the seminal work, Good to Great, Jim Collins studies which Fortune 500 leaders drove exceptional performance for more than fifteen years.  He coined “level 5 leadership” to sum up his findings. Essentially, it’s a leader who is both dogged but also “self-effacing, quiet, and reserved.”

Someone who is both strong and kind.

So this week, which happens to be introvert week, let’s celebrate leaders who are not only strong, but also kind. And often quiet.

I don’t know about you, but when I have a boss who is strong and kind, I will leave it all on the field for them.  And that is the leader and colleague I want to be for others too.

To my fellow white people – here’s what you’re doing wrong this Black history month.

What do I do when I see a post that comments on a perceived racism? And what if I think that maybe it wasn’t racism? Or maybe I see that it is racist and I want to reflect my empathy by sharing similar experiences? Maybe as a woman or immigrant or older person I have also felt injustice! I am white but isn’t that empathy? à This post is for you!

This post is born out of a LinkedIn Thread. The headline was “Black Women’s hair is perceived as unprofessional 2.5x more often.” (They didn’t specify if the comparator was White or just all non-Black).

Oof. Devastating. If I’m a black woman with an afro, a big curly-do, braids, or a flat-top—headed into the anxious and stressful place that is a job search—and I learn this? Ouch. Wear my hair how I love it? Or wear my hair in a way to get the job? And if I straighten it ONLY because I think it will help the interviewer perceive me as professional have I mortgaged my soul and identity for a paycheck. How do I balance my identity with my job need?

Wow. Hard.

Empathy is the ability to share and understand the feelings of another person. That is wonderful.

But once you feel that empathy, let’s focus in on the best way to reply to someone who may be hurting.  Is it to share a similar anecdote? Universalize the story?

A thought experiment. What if you just found out that your Dad had lung cancer. You went to your colleague or friend and said, “I’m so upset. My dad has lung cancer. I am waiting for more information but I’m terrified. It looks bad.” And your friend said back, “Yeah, I know how that goes! A couple years ago my mom had a pre-cancerous mole removed! But she’s fine!’

Rude. Don’t do that.  You would hopefully say to your friend “Oh I am so, so sorry. This is really hard. Here’s how I want to help… Thank you for sharing this with me.”  You see that? Agree that it’s awful (express empathy). Offer assistance (do your part). And thank them for being vulnerable and sharing with you. (Express gratitude).

So let’s go back to the racism towards Black women’s hair.

“Wow. 2.5 times worse. That is crushing. I can’t imagine how heavy that feels.” (Express empathy)

“Thank you for sharing this with me.” (Express gratitude).

“As a white woman I will reflect on how I can uncover this blind spot in my own life (Reflect/do your part).  <- This part is the hardest.

If you can’t do these three things, that’s okay. You can always just scroll on by!

Happy Black History Month. Empathy is a muscle. Let’s exercise it. Feel free to reach out if you want to talk through these ideas!  When we know better, we do better.