To my fellow white people – here’s what you’re doing wrong this Black history month.

What do I do when I see a post that comments on a perceived racism? And what if I think that maybe it wasn’t racism? Or maybe I see that it is racist and I want to reflect my empathy by sharing similar experiences? Maybe as a woman or immigrant or older person I have also felt injustice! I am white but isn’t that empathy? à This post is for you!

This post is born out of a LinkedIn Thread. The headline was “Black Women’s hair is perceived as unprofessional 2.5x more often.” (They didn’t specify if the comparator was White or just all non-Black).

Oof. Devastating. If I’m a black woman with an afro, a big curly-do, braids, or a flat-top—headed into the anxious and stressful place that is a job search—and I learn this? Ouch. Wear my hair how I love it? Or wear my hair in a way to get the job? And if I straighten it ONLY because I think it will help the interviewer perceive me as professional have I mortgaged my soul and identity for a paycheck. How do I balance my identity with my job need?

Wow. Hard.

Empathy is the ability to share and understand the feelings of another person. That is wonderful.

But once you feel that empathy, let’s focus in on the best way to reply to someone who may be hurting.  Is it to share a similar anecdote? Universalize the story?

A thought experiment. What if you just found out that your Dad had lung cancer. You went to your colleague or friend and said, “I’m so upset. My dad has lung cancer. I am waiting for more information but I’m terrified. It looks bad.” And your friend said back, “Yeah, I know how that goes! A couple years ago my mom had a pre-cancerous mole removed! But she’s fine!’

Rude. Don’t do that.  You would hopefully say to your friend “Oh I am so, so sorry. This is really hard. Here’s how I want to help… Thank you for sharing this with me.”  You see that? Agree that it’s awful (express empathy). Offer assistance (do your part). And thank them for being vulnerable and sharing with you. (Express gratitude).

So let’s go back to the racism towards Black women’s hair.

“Wow. 2.5 times worse. That is crushing. I can’t imagine how heavy that feels.” (Express empathy)

“Thank you for sharing this with me.” (Express gratitude).

“As a white woman I will reflect on how I can uncover this blind spot in my own life (Reflect/do your part).  <- This part is the hardest.

If you can’t do these three things, that’s okay. You can always just scroll on by!

Happy Black History Month. Empathy is a muscle. Let’s exercise it. Feel free to reach out if you want to talk through these ideas!  When we know better, we do better.